Life is a Delicate Balance of Letting Go and Hanging On…

I feel that life is a delicate balance of letting go and hanging on. I had always thought about the meaning of life, until I decided that for me what my “meaning” is —to leave it a better place than I found it. I feel as a parent, as I look at my children and as I tuck them into fuzzy blankets and horse-filled dreams, content with my life knowing that they are what I will leave behind me to make this world a better place.

When I was in the hospital, I had an intern tell me how sad they thought Gavin’s story was. While his life has brought moments of great sadness and earth-shattering fear at times, his story is anything but sad. Gavin’s story is sprinkled with miracles, hope, faith, love, courage and strength. So while he has faced difficult odds, his story, to me is not sad, but just a foreshadowing of the phenomenal man that he shall one day become. He has taught me to take a bite out of life and clamp on kicking and screaming and let go of the fears and doubts that can circle and swallow you.

He is my daily reminder that the things that you hold dear are not promised, so you hang onto your moment and you let go of the pressing fear and you just be. You grasp tightly to the laugh-out-loud moments and let go of the lump-in-your-throat cries. You strive for life experiences more than material comforts.

Gav, since being released from the hospital, has taken his stretch with freedom quite ferociously. He is now doing a form of a baby snap, saying “dog”, and getting his crawl on. He is a little sporadic with the crawl, but as I have noticed, does quite well at getting to where he needs to be when mommy steps away (mommy the enabler)!

We take in another sample of fluid in about five days so hopefully it will show that the antibiotics are knocking out the white cells. He seems to be feeling quite a bit better!

Lauren is happy to have her family back together, she was singing of course as we all walked together to the hospital elevator! This change in weather was embraced with open arms, lots of swinging and a good bike race. Let the sandboxes be opened and the sidewalk chalking begin!

My latest Lulu favorites are her new attempts at placing adult lingo that she has heard into her own world. She told her daddy the other day to “stop it off” instead of “knock it off”. When she heard that two of her local buddies were getting new playgrounds she said, “they haven’t had new playgrounds in years!” (Imagine eyes doubling in size in playground day dreams delight.) Mind you, one of the children is almost two and the other almost three, but seriously, it has been YEARS.

And of course I love her newest addiction of lollipops and movie nights. (I thought today was Friday so she asks if I can make it movie night. I told her, “Today is Monday, Lulu – movie night isn’t until Friday”.) Her little curls are bouncing all over the place as she awaits the arrival of her friends and playgrounds!

Jay and I are hanging in there, it’s hard and stressful to maintain a lifestyle with all these new cares, but just as those cares before, these will become normal too. The biggest kick is the changing of the feeding solution every four hours, that is a real stretch for sleep and it takes about a good 45 minutes to get all of his antibiotics injected into the dialysate. As always though, we can’t complain, we have our babies so life is good! Well, I better enjoy my next three hours of sleep, I told Jay I’d take the first shift! Hope this finds you all enjoying Spring with the Robin’s return!

Jill

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